feeling like mr. kotter (or is that feeling up mr. kotter?)

Well, I'm back.

For real, this time.

It's been quite some time, and I'll 'splain why it's taken so long to return to where I started... so, grab a chair, because we're going to be here for a bit.

For starters, I had a lot to take care of personally, professionally, and - quite literally - emotionally. I mean, it's been a helluva year for SPTAM, I tell ya! New relationship, finalized divorce, car accident, loss of job, death of friend, death of dad, new job, new house, new job getting raided by federal agents, getting a new dog, end of relationship... yeah, it's been pretty intense.

Now, it's back to basics time, kids.

I'm living off of savings (thank God I always put that 10% away!) while searching for a new job... this time, I'm being picky; permanent only, with benefits, and local. No 45 minute commutes, sorry, no can do. I refuse to work with Martians, so I've settled on a field to where I actually fit in - recruiting. Gaining experience through contract work has never been so rewarding!

As everyone probably knows, my divorce was FINALLY finalized (okay, that sounded weird) this past Spring - so my former spouse was able to legitimatize his "marriage" to his "baby momma". I'm totally okay with it, actually... following the divorce, the relationship that I was in (a boyfriend who got too serious, too fast) started hitting the skids, and finally ended officially the night before last. How am I doing? Believe it or not, I'm great! I'm single and unemployed, but I'm fan-fucking-tastic!

What led to the demise of that last one? Oh, it's great - he became convinced that I was a hooker. Why? Because no one can support themselves without a job. (See two paragraphs ago.)

To quote an old friend, yeah, it was time to take him off speed dial.

Because of the whole raiding of last job, I felt it was best to let the boys stay with their dad... I don't like surprises, and I'm not as adventurous as I once was. It's better for 'em to stay where they're at until the next school year. I hate doing it, but sometimes it's for the best.

Okay, well, I'm done. For now.

Here's a photo that I took last night... and yes, it's a punching bag, and not the dildo from hell.

been on hiatus - working three jobs does that to people...

So until I have some free time, this will have to suffice.

hey, braxton... let's go shopping

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband
accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was
like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get
out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved
to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her
local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr.
Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance
cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's
on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a
mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he
asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna
look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least ..

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,
Wal-Mart

never be the same

So, yesterday's events of water-main-eating-lawnmowers was pretty much the conclusion of an extremely eventful month.

I've decided to dedicate a song to this month: "Pardon Me" by Incubus.

Now that things have slowed down... dramatically... I can start to recount the events that have literally kept me from writing and getting sane.

For starters, I've been having issues with The Girl. I mean, it's getting better - hell, you know you've reached a low point in your relationship with your teenager when you start responding to talk show ads. Yes, that's right... I responded, and our relationship is so screwed up that they wanted us on there for a taping on July 2nd. But alas, they found someone even more screwed up than us, so we're out. No Hollywood help for us.

Eh.

My boyfriend and I broke up. Why is it that I seem to attract the guys who seem normal, but... yeah. I admit it - I have issues. We ALL have issues. But when one begins to get jealous of another's children... yeah, it's time to take 'em off speed dial.

My friend, Braxton, is going to Kuwait. Though I never get to see her, I am really going to miss her - I'm THIS close to cashing in my savings bonds, flying up to her, and taking her out to see a movie. She's a girlfriend, and that's what girlfriends do. Right?

Other than that, nothing else happening. Eh. I'm kind of liking this lack of ABC After School Special Drama that seems to cling to me like a puppy in heat.

I'm going to sign off with what I'm gonna call SPTAM's song of the day: Cypress Hill's Rockstar.

'kay. Bye.

extreme lawncare

A picture says a thousand words.

hello, strangers

Well, I've just been pressed for a shitload of time lately, what with issues with The Girl, the boys... it's been good times, lately.

Back to The Girl for a minute.

She moved out a few weeks ago - actually, I kicked her out. She's taken her tantrums to the ultimate level in parental abuse, actually... and I couldn't take it any more. Yesterday, I responded to an ad on craigslist that was seeking mothers and daughters with bad relationships, estrangement - you get the idea.

I wrote 'em, more of a confessional "yeah right" than anything else... and they responded.

Anyway, here's the lady who might help repair the damage I've done to my relationship with my little girl. I haven't spoken to her since April. This really sucks.

Maybe it'll work.

i've always apprectiated a man that's good with his hands...

...but does he look like he's spazzing out, or is it just me?

wow, over a month

Man, I don't know where the time's gone!

Working 60 hours a week has been a little rough on this ol' body, that's for sure... oh, well... gives me more to bitch about, right?

As I've gone somewhat retarded lately, I've decided to add a mini photo montage to show the world where my mind has gone.

It really fucking hurts, by the way.