why, thank you, leanne...

Now I'm feeling rather... umm... self conscious.

Thomasina -- [noun]: An erotic popsicle 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

or, better yet... my nickname:

Tami -- [noun]: A dainty little maid costume 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

some more pictures to share...

This is the Ostrich from hell! She will chase down your car if you do not feed her!!! See the the bent up wire on the gate? It's from her fucking head!!!

A photo of the boys playing with the goats. In some parts of the country (ie: Arkansas and Oklahoma), this is generally a boy's first lesson in the courtin' process.






Oh, and yes. Me. The sign just screamed photo op. (Yes, I cut it, and yes, I'm aware that I've got big boobs.)

angry giraffes with giant tongues attacked my car today

Today, my sons and I went to this place called "Fossil Rim" out in Glen Rose, Texas... it's an animal conservatory that allows you to drive through this land that's covered with various beasts ranging from angry antelope to zany zebras. It's about 85 miles from where we live, and it took roughly 93 hours to get there.

Not really. It just felt like it.

Within minutes of driving through the gates, we were greeted with the standard "Mexican Police Barrier" move that the resident animals have mastered: block the road and refuse to move until you feed them. We were fine until we ran into a little problem... the giraffes. Or more accurately, that one fucking giraffe.

I can honestly say that it is true that giraffes have a tongue that's over two feet long. This one, he violated my car. He started out by merely walking up to the car, and I innocently (or stupidly) fed him. From that point, it was over. Thanks for playing, please drive through, please come again, asshole.

Upon leaving this particular section of the park, we found this sign:















All in all, we had a blast. We had some great photo ops - have a great one of Ninja Joe and The Boy chasing billygoats and making them cry - plus, we had more mother/sons time.

It was fun.

Oh, Ninja Joe would like me to add his favorite quote from today's trip. (Joey, this one's for you, baby.)

"Screw zombies, my new fear is ostriches."

breaking eggs while driving defensively... or why eating mexican food near an open flame isn't always a good idea

Today kind of sucked ass and was kind of pleasantly suprising at the same time - I mean, I did have to spend the entire day in a defensive driving class, but at least it was fun. For the most part, anyway.

It was one of those comedy defensive driving classes, and the main reason why I chose this one was for the bargain basement price of $29.95... and if you throw in an extra nickel, they throw a set of Ginsu knives at you.

Literally.

I learned a few things today - I've been a lawbreaking (instead of law abiding) citizen for the past 19 years of my life. Did you know that if you drive while fatigued they can arrest you for a DUI (driving under the influence)??? That, and speeding up for yellow lights is not okay, for the record.

The highlight of the entire 6 hour class was the visual educational aids that's required for all DD classes - one had an old guy get soused, get behind the wheel of a golf cart, and totally wreck it; another was a demonstration of what happens to people when they don't wear their seat belts - that one was in a Barney-like setting, complete with reenactments by the teacher using a remote controlled car and an egg.

Humpty Dumpty will never be the same again.

Should you ever be in the need to take this course for allegedly speeding or simply for insurance purposes, and you live in the DFW area, then I strongly recommend Comedy Defensive Driving, aka Really Cheap Defensive Driving for the biggest bang for your buck.

Granted, the Dallas location is set up at a really overpriced mexican restaraunt (Cantina Laredo), but the class is well worth it. Our instructor was Evan, and he's totally cool in my book... if you do decide to utilize their services, let 'em know SPTAM sent ya.

le divorce update

I wanted to share... and for those of you that have been dying to see a picture of him, I'm sharing it here with you, now, for your enjoyment. (Still legally bound as of today's date.)

My ex, Ladies and Gentlemen.



Trust me, it's uncanny.

queer eyes on my brazillian wax while i sit on frozen peas

I'm sitting here on a bag of frozen peas, recuperating from my pre-Thirty-Faux birthday present to myself... I got a Brazillian wax.

For those of you that do not know what a Brazillian style wax is, I suggest that you rush to the nearest salon and immediately have it done. Don't forget to tip your waxist (or whatever the hell they're called) BEFORE the procedure, because you're going to be hating life afterwards... but damn, you'll look good - or so I hear, anyway.

As far as myself looking good, or getting compliments on my bikini area, I really couldn't tell you - I don't care if Henry Fucking Rollins or John Fucking Cusack were to give me come-hither looks, promising a week long fit of passion filled, tied up, semi-BDSM inspired moments AND a shoe shopping spree... my fuckin' bikini area hurts, and I'm on vacation.

I didn't do the whole thing, because I chickened out halfway through. My left side, well... wow. It looks great (I haven't really looked at it), but I'm leaning on my right side.

Peas, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, are my friend.

jane, you ignorant slut - more canned SPTAM moments

Lots of things have been happening lately, so many things that I must do what I have to do sometimes, and that's simply sit back, watch some Eddie Izzard, and let things settle like they usually do.

Damn, it's been weird.

The other night, Ninja Joe and I decided to wash clothes somewhere different... so we went down the street to this 'mat that used to be a Kips Big Boy, and happens to sit caddy corner from a Dominos Pizza AND a Funeral Home. (Sidenote, I will get a picture of this unique mix of businesses soon... I'm still reeling from seeing the funeral home sign surrounded by pizza delivery cars.) Across the street, there's also a fast food restaraunt that features both chicken AND waffles. Ninja Joe and I plan on visiting soon, but we're getting our courage up first - our plan is to OD on syrup, then walk into the funeral home to place an order for some buffalo wings.

Last night, I not only get a call from my buddy announcing his recent contribution to the world's population, but I also get a random text message from none other than The One Formerly Known As Sparky - whom I've not heard from in a couple of months... by my own choice, really. How do I feel about that? Kinda pissed off, kinda upset, kinda relieved, and kinda weirded out. Why? Eh, I won't get into it here... just imagine Sam Kinison pole dancing while reciting Shakespeare while chewing a wad of aluminum foil, and you'll get the gist of it.

I guess that's it for now. I've officially over caffienated myself, and am now about to take some Benadryl to try to bring myself down. There is a slight chance I'm becoming a drugstore Elvis, so please heed the warning.

oh my GAWD!!!

For the past 20 minutes I've been saying OH MY GAWD over and over, to the point that I've been accused of sounding like a female version of Chandler from "Friends".

OH MY GAWD!!!

Here's my situation. A very close friend of mine *just* confided to me that I'm going to be an aunt - or an uncle, since it's too early to tell - and I'm literally trippin' out. Beyond trippin'... I'm somewhere between that stage of shock and happiness for my buddy as well as (again) SHOCK and concern for his welfare (and his new fiancee).

OH MY GAWD!

This is the same guy who I never thought would settle down... hell or high water, it was gonna be a different girl every night of the week, and so far, he's managed just that... 'cept he's still my regular date for whenever The Color Purple is on tv. (I mean, there's nothin' funnier than watching a giant white man sing "Miss Celie's Blues", shimmyin' along to the music... now that I think about it, maybe that's why I thought he'd never settle down.)

Oh. My. GAWD.

I think I'm gonna be okay... but. Wow. Damn. Wow.

I need to lay down now, the shock is just killin' me.

guys who drive corollas are hot...

I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.

I'll write more later though, I promise.

Well, maybe.