zydepunks

Have you ever found a band that you fell completely and utterly head over heels in love with?

I did.



Go... go buy their stuff.

Now.

i'm a horrible american

I failed the basics of the Citizenship test!

You Failed the US Citizenship Test

Oops, you only got 4 out of 10 right!

Could You Pass the US Citizenship Test?

new year's resolutions 2007

2006 is drawing to a close, and I've decided to make a few resolutions for the upcoming year... since I've been hitting a success rate (resolution-wise, anyway) of roughly 87% over the past couple of years, I thought I'd try again.

So without further adieu, I bring you SPTAM's Attempted Resolutions for 2007.

1) I want to make friends with a midget. Period, end of story. This sick obsession with these people has taken on a new life for me, and it has to happen. Soon.

2) I'd like to be adopted by a special person - and by special, I mean retarded - simply because I've been making fun of them for years. Don't get me wrong - they're cool. Their outlook on life is so fucking neat... one of my favorite things in the universe is hanging with my niece (who's not only "special" but autistic, too) and going into her world. Hell, scratch that... I've been adopted already. (Now if she were a midget, it'd be perfect...)

3) To not get married again. I've been there, done that - fuck, always the bride, never the bridesmaid, I say. Dammit, I want to be a bridesmaid. I want to wear the ugly pink chiffon and green satin calf-length dress, complete with ass-bow... if anyone wants a bridesmaid, I'm your girl... there's a Goodwill down the street with fugly dresses galore SCREAMING my name.

4) To pay off my car before it dies.

5) I'd still like to adopt a lobster... I just don't have the room for a tank.

6) To sell at least one greeting card this year. (I've sold two already, so it's not that difficult.)

7) To see my best friend more than five times a year.

8) Quit smoking. (Dallas may have a brief rise in spontaneous hate crimes, but this should soon pass.)

9) To quit saying the word "fuck" so fucking often.

10) To go to religious services at least four times per year - outside of the holidays.

11) Attempt to be less sarcastic... let's be realistic here.

12) To hug more often, and bitch less.

13) Get my nose pierced, and maybe one other body modification performed.

14) To accept the past and my mistakes, and to be a bit more optimistic about the future. (Yeah, riiiiight.)

15) I'd like to attempt to get back into dance competitions - and I don't mean the kind that require red neon lighting and disco balls... maybe I'll look into it more.

That's all I've got. How about you?

this addiction rocks

My addiction to YouTube has gotten worse over the past weeks... I've tried diversion therapy (ie: kronically kacee), quizzes, BOOKS (the fold-y paper thingies), and taking up bird watching - as they've all gone away for the winter, I basically count how many times I get flipped off in one day. Instead of finding something new to do, I find something so sweet that I can only obsess over it for the rest of the evening.

This has got to be one of THE coolest proposals I've ever witnessed in my life.

Wow.

He either really, really loves her, or he was really, really bored.

the true cost of parenthood... or, damn you, christi

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 to be $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:

* $8,896.66 a year, or
* $741.38 a month, or
* $171.08 a week.

That's a mere $24.24 a day! Literally just over $1 an hour!

Still, you might think the best financial advice is "if you want to be 'rich', don't have children. Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140? Well, let's take a look, shall we?

You get...

* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of God every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day

For $160,140, you never have to grow up.

You get to:

* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs, and
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:
* keep reading "The Adventures of Piglet and Pooh" ,
* watch Saturday morning cartoons,
* go to Disney movies, and
* wish upon a star.

You also get to:
* frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets, and collect:
* spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas,
* hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and
* cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For a mere $160,140, there is no bigger bang for your buck.

You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
* coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat to history to witness history:
* her first step,
* his first word,
* her first bra,
* his first date, and
* their first time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal.

You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs called grandchildren and great grandchildren in your obituary. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match.

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God.

You have the power to:
* heal a boo-boo,
* scare away the monsters under the bed,
* patch a broken heart,
* police a slumber party,
* ground them forever, and
* love them without limits... so that one day they, like you, will love without counting the cost.

That is quite a deal for the price!

Love and enjoy your children and grandchildren.

quizzes... the new crack

I've developed an addiction to these online quizzes.

I blame Al Quaida for this.

You scored as naughty but nice. Whatever your doing you like to tease the men around you by maybe wearing a low cut shirt or giving them a flirty little wink. naughty but nice 63% whoopsy daisies 56% bareing it all 44% naughty peek-a-boo 38% Which hot pin up girl are you? created with QuizFarm.com

did you know...

...that a giraffe's tongue is two feet long, on average?

I thought I'd share that and take things away from my bitch-mode antics from earlier today.

Sorry, y'all!

kronically kacee, ch 4 - Marital Baking and Motherhood

In this chapter, we re-learn that Kacee makes a ton of money, and that she's no longer married to Sparky - they simply live together. (The HR Department of Sparky's job used this particular series of emails that I'm sharing with you to determine the true marital status of all parties involved... again, a heartfelt thank you to Kacee for making this possible. We wouldn't have been able to prove insurance fraud - which is a felony - without you.)

We also learn that Kacee likes to do normal things like bake and cook dinner... and that she's managed to graduate Kent State/A&M at the tender age of 18. Though I've posted this before, I wanted to repost this particular series in the order recieved for this to truly make sense.

"ther may not be a big diffrence in age but i am a kent/A&M grad and make $75 + a year so i am just a bit more an elder than just some kid either of you to need to feel compelled to warn about mike. we have lived together since july 7th 2006 and i am yet to see him act mean to me. maybe you two were incompatable. he did go to anger managment so he has changed. he doesnt even drink anymore. he goes to work and comes home and does normal happy marital things with me like bake and help me with dinner and he treats me so well he is like an expectant father should be. cant we all just work tward the common goal here and get you two to the point where you no longer have anything to do with eachother?"

And there you have it. I'm debating on whether or not to publish the final email recieved from her as it has some very personal information on there about my daughter... as a mother, I'm going to protect my child's privacy as much as possible, by any means necessary. As a mother, I will protect my child's well-being by any means necessary. (Fortunately, the authorites are involved, so we don't have to worry about that, though... do we?)

Kacee, darlin'... if you're reading this, again, thank you for showing your true colors and mental aptitude for the laws of the State. Without your assistance, none of this - mine and the kid's medical bills, mine and Sparky's divorce - would have happened.

You're adorable. Stay just as you are... and keep making that $75 a year, babycakes.

kronically kacee, ch 3 - Poking The Bear

In this chapter, we learn that Kacee makes a boat load of money and that nothing scares her… and that she still knows everything about the law. (I didn’t know that the Court contacted participants in a case.)

"since i make more than mike dont you think it is sensable for me to pay for things as well? and the divorce you filed in dallas county on october the 5th well hun your 61 days are up and michael hasnt been served but call me or mike and meet us their at the courthouse #4th floor where you filed it so you can finalize it. we tried to do something but we are waighting on you. we cant move foreward. the courts tried to contact you but you gave them a disconected phone number. thats all."

At this point I realize that it’s like discussing quantum physics with Corky… it’s fun, and in some cases, very informational to somewhat important places – for example, the human resources/benefits department. In other words, I decided to continue playing the game by simply providing her with limited amounts of information (actual facts), and wait to see if she manages to bury not only herself, but Sparky as well.

kronically kacee, ch 2: Confusing the Enemy

(SPTAM's note: It's become apparent that the inspiration for Kronically Kacee - Kacee herself - is an expert when it comes to "redirection", which is what they teach in law school... see how she attempts to confuse the enemy - me - into backing down. See how quick her cat-like reflexes are on the subject of marriage law... it's obvious that she's practicing running for office.)

In this chapter of “Kronically Kacee”, I had emailed her to inform her that from what I’d learned from the insurance (that the doctor she had been seeing was listed as an infertility specialist), that if she was in the middle of some sort of treatment, things were about to be halted due to the investigation. I’d also mentioned in my communication to her that Sparky had yet to sign the papers, so once again, if she could PLEASE get him to sign them, I’d really appreciate it…

Her informational, yet rather confusing, response, in full (edited to remove pertinent info, nothing else changed, I swear):

"im not seeing an infertility specalist? hua? i dont know who from XXXX COMPANY told you that but they lied and when we call them they assure us they have never said a word to you. mike wants a divorce. you said you have papers? fuck i know he will sign them but as a matter of public reccord in XXXXX county a divorce was granted or so im led to beleive under grounds of legal seperation for a duration of time and an inability to contact you. an ad was ran in the papaer for over a month in the legal section to try to contact you. im 6 months pregnant with mike's son. just go to the denton county courthouse in denton and look up your divorce tami. trust me its their my family paid for the lawyer to motion the judge before we got married."

What confused me is this - first she states that Sparky wants a divorce. Then she states that it's been granted... and they're married. (Well, that, and I really didn't know that judges could be motioned by lawyers, but... eh, what do I know?)

In the next chapter, we'll see what direction Kacee goes when confronted with supplemental research materials on how to obtain a divorce in Texas.

the first of the kacee kronicles

I'm sorry. I've been laughing my ass off almost non-stop for the past 12 hours. Hell, I've almost wet myself twice today already.

That would have been bad.

You see, for the past three-to-four weeks, I've been dealing with some rather delicate matters regarding not only my marital status, but something even more important: PPO's vs. HMO's.

While on this particular quest for knowledge and the pursuit of affordable healthcare, I've also had to determine whether or not I was indeed still - gasp - married. *See previous post, and you'll understand.

As the benefits department was running rather slow in determining if my refuses-to-be-my-ex-husband was indeed still my husband, I made an unfortunate decision to shoot an email to the young lady that is, for lack of a better phrase, my husband's new wife.

I don't know if I regret this decision yet.

I asked her in the email, as politely as I possibly could (and I borrowed an extra set of eyes simply for tact control), if she could please ask HER husband if he would PLEASE sign OUR divorce papers so WE could be divorced. (Well, in a nutshell, anyway... it's been determined that G-PAF and I are still legally bound.)

The response I recieved from this eloquent young lady was, to put it mildly, colorful, profound, deep, and enlightening. She's extremely goal-oriented and very confident in her abilities as a contributing member of our society; and her ability to articulate is simply... astounding. And she has been a wonderful influence on my ex, as she has some very wholesome hobbies, such as cooking and writing - things that my former spouse needs in his otherwise empty and useless life. Allow me to share an excerpt of this heartfelt email I recieved from her earlier today...

" ther may not be a big diffrence in age but i am a kent/A&M grad and make $75 + a year so i am just a bit more an elder than just some kid either of you to need to feel compelled to warn about mike. we have lived together since july 7th 2006 and i am yet to see him act mean to me. maybe you two were incompatable. he did go to anger managment so he has changed. he doesnt even drink anymore. he goes to work and comes home and does normal happy marital things with me like bake and help me with dinner and he treats me so well he is like an expectant father should be. cant we all just work tward the common goal here and get you two to the point where you no longer have anything to do with eachother?"

From the mouths of babes... brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

genesis... the making of kronically kacee (longish)

Though I haven’t really spoken of it, I’m going through a divorce.

No, no… before you go on to offer your sympathies and such, I wanted to let you know that this is, as Martha Stewart would say, a good thing.

You see, I realized a while back that it was a mixed marriage – me being a sane human being, he being a greedy, psychotic ass-freak.

But this isn’t a jab at my ex-husband. Really.

I share this information with you, gentle reader, because it will help explain what we, the members of the SPTAM crew, refer to a series of emails that we’ve received over the past few days as simply “Kronically Kacee”.

Since late March, I’ve been separated from my estranged husband, otherwise known on this site as Sparky, and have been diligently trying to get this man to simply sign some papers in order to obtain a divorce. He’s been an elusive little fucker – dodging the papers like it was the plague (or Herpes) – and has actually been quite successful over the past ten months.

Fortunately for him, he’s managed to get through this traumatic period in his life by finding solace with another victim - I mean, girlfriend. (Good for him!) He’s gone through a lot, the poor guy… had to go through weeks of Anger Management courses, as well as learning to cook for himself… it’s been rough for him.

But I digress.

When I filed for divorce for the second time this past October – it was thrown out of Court the first time due to his lack of response – I once again informed him that he needed to sign the papers. He once again played dumb (at least I thought it was an act), and had no clue what I was talking about. I figured, “Hey, if he won’t sign the papers, then he’s got to continue to carry me on his health insurance”… and I verified this with not only his HR department, but my company’s legal line, just to be safe. I then emailed him with something along the lines of, “Hey, if you want to get me & the kids off the insurance, sign the papers so we can be divorced and you won’t have to worry about this anymore,” in order to motivate him to sign the papers. (In other words, remaining married to me will cost you money, motherfucker.)

Anyways, back to the girlfriend.

She’s a wonderful child – and I mean this, literally. She’s a very attractive 18 year old, who is – ahem – an entertainer at an establishment here in the Dallas area. Really, there’s nothing wrong with that… I myself did that when I was her age and raising a child on my own. Times have definitely changed over the past 16 years, so the “entertainment” of today’s times is truly different than it was back in The Day.

Now, back to the insurance and my refuses-to-be-my-ex-husband.

One day, soon after Thanksgiving, I took my son to the doctor. Instead of the standard, “That’ll be $12 for your co-pay,” I hear, “Your insurance is invalid.”

“Huh?”

“Apparently, he’s only carrying his son and his daughter. Look, Tami.”

And I looked. Except the girl that she was referring to as his daughter – DOB 6/20/1988 – was actually listed as his spouse. And yet he and I are still married. Again… huh?

I immediately get home and call HR – sure enough, they inform me that, according to him, he and I were divorced in March and he’s since remarried. Never mind the fact that the girl doesn’t have the same last name as he does, or that he never produced a copy of the divorce decree OR a copy of his new marriage license… they simply took his word on it, no questions asked. Wow.

So, for the past month, I’ve been battling the insurance company, and they in turn have been trying to reach him in order to get these documents. It seemed like we were all fighting a losing battle – if he didn’t respond, then we never would have gotten to a final decision.

Until I heard from The Girlfriend… aka, my husband’s wife.

Had it not been for The Girlfriend, the insurance would never have been reinstated. You see, during this period, I found her on MySpace after The Girl had done a search… I felt compelled to reach out to her, to not only warn her about the potential of losing her insurance due to his fraudulent actions, but – let’s be honest here – I wanted to warn her about HIM. It was the mother in me coming out, and I wanted to protect her… especially after learning that she was seeing an OB/fertility specialist, through the insurance company of all places.

Of course I expected some sort of reaction from her, but what I got instead turned out to be, well… priceless.

So, to my husband’s wife, I dedicate “Kronically Kacee” to you, honeybunch.

If it sells, I’ll split the profits with you… no, wait… you make $75 a year.

if you were me, you'd be pretty... (actual movie quote)

Man, I hate PMS. I really, really do.

Tonight, I got my "movie of the week" courtesy of Blockbuster online, and it was "Six String Samurai"... I love this movie. Hell, it's one of my top ten faves ever. But tonight, for some reason, it got me thinking of not one, but TWO exes. Damn it to Hell!

Both ex husbands and I would sit and watch this movie nonstop (not at one time, it's been around awhile) - it was a favorite... I mean, rockabilly, swords, and sci-fi all wrapped into one movie, how the hell can you go wrong?

Tonight, I introduced my new boyfriend to it... is this like bringing him home to meet the family? I hope not - but it's still one of my favorites.

Does it make me a bad person to want to download all of the songs from the movie and send them to The Ex?

Probably. We'll see.

Braxton's all growd up

I must say, a girlfriend of mine whom I went to boot camp - I'm sorry, Basic Training - with in the Navy, recently crossed over from Enlisted to NOT Warrant Officer (which is really cool) to full blown OFFICER.

Damn, I'm proud of Braxton - well, it's really Elyse, but she'll always be Braxton in my eyes.

I have to share the most recent photo... and yes, she is one of the most beautiful women I've ever encountered, and even moreso now... she's got bigger cajones than any man I can think of encountering in the past 20 years. SNAP! You go, girl! (And yes, once she hits O4, she gets to keep the sword.)

i'm a perv

Which Unwanted Sexual Gesture Are You?

Made by the fine folks at daylighttwilight.com

silly string and your every day soldier

I just read the oddest thing that I think would actually work.

Marcelle Shriver of New Jersey is asking for donations of Silly String to send to soldiers in Iraq, but not for goofing off purposes... it helps them detect trip wires for hidden IED's.

Scary thing? The stuff makes sense.

To read more about it, go here and read for yourself!

All in all, I know what I'm putting in my friend's care packages this year... I just hope it's not on TSA's prohibited items list.

blogging the bible?

For some reason, I can't get my links to work.

Here's one... and I feel really stupid for doing it this way.

Forgive me. Please.

http://www.slate.com/id/2150150/

something i did out of boredom...

I entered something on Filmloop and I hold Christi responsible for this.

It's her fault.

Damn her.

If you happen to go, look for me (Tami). Also, go do a search for Christi - she's the "sarcasm. insomnia..." one. It's fucking hilarious.

'kay. Bye.